gypsyanna: (Default)
[personal profile] gypsyanna
Ever have one of those days - two days - where nothing really goes wrong, but along about mid-afternoon on the second or third day you just want to dissolve into tears, slam your door, shriek profanites, and tell everyone that opens their mouth in your direction that you are TIRED of being the team player, the moderator, the peacemaker, and the problem-solver? You're TIRED of modifying how you do your job because someone else can't be counted on to do their job - or check/answer their fucking email?

Ever have one of those days - weeks - where you don't want to remind yourself that mature, responsible adults are not petty, spiteful, malicious, and vicious? At least, adults who are worth the dirt the covers the soles of their shoes. Days when you WANT to be petty. You WANT to say those things, mean and nasty, but true, to someone simply because you want to strike back. Days when you WANT to have the last word, just because.

And yet...you don't. Because that's not the kind of person you want to be. But if you have those urges, aren't you already that kind of person? Mean, spiteful, petty, hateful, malicious... Does not saying them make you a better person? Or should you just not feel them at all, and then truly be that good, honorable, respected person that you want to be?

But then you realize that no - you're not respected. You're not thought of, or considered. Your opinion holds no weight, your interpretation no value or insight.

And you're left thinking, "So why don't I just say what I feel, and damn how others feel on hearing it?"

And yet you still can't. Because that's not the person you want to be, and even if no one else sees you as that person, it doesn't matter.

And you're left with nothing to do, nothing to say, except, "Leave me the fuck alone."




But I asked my brother to deal with the dinner situation tonight, whatever, I didn't care. I'm just tired and hungry and sick. God bless him, he's ordering pizza. I think I'll keep my brother.

Date: 2010-07-07 10:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] topayz4.livejournal.com
Been there. Those are the moments where I tell the world I'm "Off duty" and try my best to regroup.

Date: 2010-07-07 11:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xanath.livejournal.com
There is no such thing as a person who doesn't have the urge to bite back, even if it's the smallest urge identifiable solely through the Hubble Telescope. This is part of being human. It's even, dare I say, part of being adult. The fact that you have these thoughts doesn't make you a bad person, Anna. In fact, the fact that you didn't act on them is what makes you a responsible adult.

I'll probably be on later tonight. I'll be unseen face hacking up a hairball and trying to dam flowing sinuses. ;) Till later, eat your pizza.

::hugs::

Date: 2010-07-07 11:33 pm (UTC)
vdansk: (Default)
From: [personal profile] vdansk
There is no virtue without temptation.

I could write an entire essay explicating that, but you could write it just as easily. :)

Remember: our Inner Bitches are what make us strong, so that we can survive to continue to be reasonable and compassionate.

Date: 2010-07-10 05:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angel-fly.livejournal.com
::warm comforting understanding hugs::

I've been skirting this same feeling for a while now, so I have mucho empathy. Not for the same reasons or situation, but definately the same desire to hide in my room and tell the world to just go away and leave me alone.

I'm hoping whatever was being mean is getting much better now.

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gypsyanna

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