Jul. 7th, 2010

gypsyanna: (Default)
Ever have one of those days - two days - where nothing really goes wrong, but along about mid-afternoon on the second or third day you just want to dissolve into tears, slam your door, shriek profanites, and tell everyone that opens their mouth in your direction that you are TIRED of being the team player, the moderator, the peacemaker, and the problem-solver? You're TIRED of modifying how you do your job because someone else can't be counted on to do their job - or check/answer their fucking email?

Ever have one of those days - weeks - where you don't want to remind yourself that mature, responsible adults are not petty, spiteful, malicious, and vicious? At least, adults who are worth the dirt the covers the soles of their shoes. Days when you WANT to be petty. You WANT to say those things, mean and nasty, but true, to someone simply because you want to strike back. Days when you WANT to have the last word, just because.

And yet...you don't. Because that's not the kind of person you want to be. But if you have those urges, aren't you already that kind of person? Mean, spiteful, petty, hateful, malicious... Does not saying them make you a better person? Or should you just not feel them at all, and then truly be that good, honorable, respected person that you want to be?

But then you realize that no - you're not respected. You're not thought of, or considered. Your opinion holds no weight, your interpretation no value or insight.

And you're left thinking, "So why don't I just say what I feel, and damn how others feel on hearing it?"

And yet you still can't. Because that's not the person you want to be, and even if no one else sees you as that person, it doesn't matter.

And you're left with nothing to do, nothing to say, except, "Leave me the fuck alone."

But I asked my brother to deal with the dinner situation tonight, whatever, I didn't care. I'm just tired and hungry and sick. God bless him, he's ordering pizza. I think I'll keep my brother.


gypsyanna: (Default)

June 2012


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